The Heart of the Matter
Vignettes on being a parent

This section is about parenting - the extreme highs and lows this role brings with it. The feature column chronicles my voyage as I explore this new world. Before we go any further, let me reassure - this is not a column about dirty diapers, burping, or feeding issues. It is about the spiritual change being a parent brings to us. And it is about the wonders of parenting Pagan children - seeing the world through their eyes within communities not geared to support that viewpoint.

I am also hoping that those of our readers who are parents will consider sharing their joys, sorrows and frustrations as well.

   Catherine M.

Dreams of a baby girl
By Nokomis Dreams

Getting pregnant with a sixth child so soon was not exactly what I thought my life's path would be, but a person deals with these things the best that they can. It wasn't devastating to me - I simply decided right away that this would be the last child for this family. My body just can not keep doing this. I was not yet 30 years old and having my sixth child! It takes a lot out of your body, more than I can describe. I wanted an even number of children, so when our 5th child was born, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, that SOMEDAY, we would have a 6th. A few years distant would have been better.

However, life doesn't always give us what we want. My surgery to get the cervical cerclage for my incompetent cervix went well, and I felt really good afterwards. Tired, but what can you expect, when you have 5 active boys? I was carrying differently with this one, and found out why at 14 weeks gestation. According to my doctor, I had an anterior placenta. In other words, my placenta, instead of being in my back, so to speak, was in front. I have never had that before. It was nice, as I did not have the back pain usually associated with my pregnancies.

I had been having dreams of this baby. Dreams of a baby girl. Dreams of painting a room in soft pastels, and decorating it in extremely feminine ways. Building shelves that looked like they were "in" the wall, with a curly, decorative design on the top. The shelves were white in my dream, and I was putting pretty, girly things in the shelves. So different from the pick-up trucks and tractors that I pick up on a daily basis!

My ultrasound was Tuesday, December 2nd. It was so cold out, my nostrils felt like they were going to freeze shut! Hubby was out in the waiting room with our two youngest, and it took forever! The machine was new, and the technician, Jeannie, was training someone that day. I lay there, while she did all of the major measurements, and, of course, breathed huge sighs of relief when I was told that everything was there that was supposed to be. She asked if I wanted to know the sex.

When we got to the legs and feet, all Jeannie had to do was barely move the ultrasound "wand", and we had a clear shot of the crotch area of the baby. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was showing there.

But she said, "Oh, look, it's a boy!"

I ooohed and aaahed, and sounded appropriately excited, but wanted to cry. I couldn't believe that it was a boy.

Hubby came in a few minutes later, and the tech asked if we should show "dad" what we saw. Hoping that it would change, I eagerly watched the screen. There were his little man-parts again. Clearer than before. I was not looking at my husband. I couldn't. If I did, I would cry, and that is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I could hear him moving towards me, and knew he was going to grab hold of my hand. He touched me, and the warmth and solidness of his hand made the tears come. I was ashamed of them, and cried quietly, so that Jeannie didn't hear. Thank goodness we were in a dark room. The tears only lasted a minute, I am proud to say, but it was so hard to hold them in. My chest felt numb.

I KNEW that this baby would be a girl, felt it. Carrying differently, feeling different, the dreams of a girl's room, I was convinced that it wasn't just wishful thinking. It HAD to be a girl. This is our last child, give me a chance to have a girl child!! I don't understand!! Something isn't right, why oh why isn't this child a girl?

My only sister died when I was a teenager. When she died, I decided that I wanted to have 2 little girls someday, so that I could have them be sisters, and hopefully have more than a few short years together. I figured out, years ago, that it wasn't in the plans for me. But I still thought that one day I would have one daughter, a little person that I could influence, make into a strong woman, who would grow up and have children of her own someday.

So we told people that this newest member of our family was another boy. I got mixed reactions. Some accused me of tricking them into believing it is a boy, so that I could surprise them with a girl. Some looked sad, like they were upset for me, and others were genuinely excited for us, as there are not that many families around with six boys! But the ones that bothered me the most, were the people who said, "You wouldn't know what to do with a girl, anyway".

Yes, I would. Oh, I would! I would have pretty little girl dresses, and soft, lacy things for her to wear, and look at her, and see a beautiful little angel girl laying in my arms. I would care for her, protect her, and watch her grow into a lovely young lady, with just the right mixture of my husband and I. She would be sweet, but sassy, intelligent, and fun to be around. Everyone would love her, including, but not limited to, her five older brothers.

It is never going to happen. Never will there be a sweet little girl, so beautiful, to run up and kiss her daddy goodnight. He would have loved that. Gone are my dreams of having a little girl.

I didn't know how to express my sadness. I was so thankful that this baby boy inside of me, kicking me, was healthy. I loved him already just as much as I loved his big brothers. I was so sure this baby was a girl though, and a part of me felt like someone died. It all sounded so hypocritical to me, that I can't talk to anyone about it.

We were in the store recently, and I saw a beautiful cream and white colored velvet stocking. As I touched it, I wanted to cry. I will never buy something like that. Looking at the girl "things" at different stores, I feel my chest get tight, knowing that I will never buy my daughter such things.

Here is where I went round and round with myself. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know how to stop it. I was truly grateful for a healthy child, no matter what the sex. But, I hurt so bad. Something I have wanted for more than twenty years was gone. There was no chance of getting it.

I don't want to tell my wonderful husband. I doubt he would understand.

Part of me, a very small part, hoped that my next ultrasound showed girl parts instead of boy parts. But I knew that was not going to happen.

What should I have done? Grieved for a child that would never be? That sounded ridiculous even to me. But somehow that seemed the right way to go. I was so lucky, to have all of my children, I knew that. But I felt I was grieving for a part of my life that would never happen.

January 2004

The Goddess has seen fit to give me only boys, and here I am, 2 years later, very happy to be raising my boys. I don't ever wish to trade one of them for a daughter, but there are times I wish just for a minute, that one of them had a twin sister. The pangs of not having that sought-after female child do hit me once in a while. The difference is that now, instead of feeling guilty for having them, I embrace them. After all, they are my feelings, and I have to just accept them. They make me who I am.

I am blessed and honored to be raising young men who will become wonderful, loving, responsible men like their father. They carry many of my traits as well, and I love to hear someone comment that one or the other of them looks like me, or acts like me. It is an honor to have passed on gifts to my sons.

The primal urge for a man to have a son is present in a woman who has no daughter. I accept that, and see it as a challenge of sorts to raise all boys. The sadness in not having a daughter doesn't occur often, instead, I have taken it upon myself to be a mother of sorts to all the girls I know.

January 2006
   

"When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be." ~ James Matthew Barrie.