This is not a story about my coming out as a Pagan, but it is about revelations and bringing into the light things I had denied or avoided. The Whispers I have been trying not to hear in the dark for some time now.
This issue there were some questions posed within the FAQ that I answered - something I tend to do as a personal exercize more than anything else - that got me thinking. "Do you really believe in magic and can you do it?" Do I?
As I answered in the FAQ response, I am on the fence about this in many ways. My first letter to this magazine was about being a non-magic practicing Pagan. Something I was quite proud of. But over the last few months I have come to realize that I may not be what I thought I was. It started when I volunteered to write some articles for the Kitchen Witchery column. I mean, I love cooking and whipping up special dishes for ritualistic nights. I use assorted herbs and spices because of their "magical" correspondences without even blinking. I stir my soups clockwise. I sweep out my house (which has carpet) weekly to cleanse it of negative energies.
But I don't do magic. Not me.
Magic, afterall, is all about spells that crackle and pop. Waving a wand and incanting in the dark over a steaming cauldron to spooky music. Or wearing hip yet stupid looking stylish clothes, with the latest haircut, perfect skin and body, and a cute perky button nose a la Charmed.
And none of that is me...except maybe the button nose.
As I worked on the Kitchen Witchery series I made an effort to use the appropriate terminology. I'm writing about witchcraft I should use words like magic, right? Even if I don't believe in magic. I work with the natural forces of nature, not some hocus pocus. I felt a bit fraudish. Here I was walking the walk and talking the talk and I didn't believe it.
I've been getting more and more uncomfortable with this. When I read the FAQ, I knew I needed to deal with it. My first attempt at doing so was to run away. Not something I am that proud of, I might add.
I emailed Catherine - seem to be doing that a lot lately - and told her I thought I should step down, and why. Big brave me.
Thought
|
|
"Believing something doesn't make it true; refusing to believe it doesn't make it false."
~ Paul Little |
Instead of trying to convince me otherwise, or bolster my confidence, or some such tripe, she emailed back one question.
"Do you believe you can change the path laid out before you simply by exerting your Will upon it?"
Well, of course I do. That's what meditation and willpower is all about. But that's not magic. That's mind over matter. Eastern philosophy. See, this hang up on the whole magic thing is another reason I ended up leaving my Alexandrian coven years ago, and it's only gotten stronger as time passed.
Her response to that was, "Can your Gran's Summer Bliss Tea affect the emotional state of whoever drinks it?"
What is it with Catherine and her probing questions anyway? She does this to me quite often - asks things I sometimes don't see the relevance of at all. But I always end up thinking about it.
And the thing is, I do think Gran's tea has that ability. I knew what was coming next - or at least I thought I did. And I had my answer all ready -but it's the herbs, the memories you were thinking when you made it.
"Define magic."
Okay, I was wrong. Feeling a bit persnickety, I sent back a trite comment about wands and shimmery sparkles and lots of "poofing".
"Define what you do."
Grrrr.
"Does it affect others? Change their emotions? Or their path?"
Duh. Yes.
"So you do things like mixing special herbs and spices into food and drink. You invoke deities. You raise your own energy and invest it into your work. You encourage others to partake of this prepared offering. And by doing so you change 'what was to be' into 'what is now.' Is that about it?"
See, the thing I hate (and love) about talking with Catherine is that she doesn't give me the answers. Instead she summarizes what I say and then simply points out that I already know the answers, I'm just avoiding saying them out loud.
"So how is what you do not magic? Aside from there being no "poofs" at the moment...and you know, you could add a certain powder to your concoctions and it would poof a lot!"
Fine. Semantics. I am a victim of my own avoidance and need to play the game of semantics. You say magic and I say tomato.
My revelation this month - and it's quite approriate considering Samhain is upon us - is that I do do magic. I believe in magic. I just have a hang up with the word itself.
Comments for Josh? Email him.
|
