Whispers in the Dark: The Closet

   By closeted

I am in the closet. So far in you can't even see my shoes peeking underneath the hanging clothes. I don't know if I'll be coming out anytime soon. I'm not even 20 yet. And I don't know what I am.

I'm Pagan. But what Pagan? It's like being in an icecream shop with 100 different flavors and only a teeny tiny spoon to taste with. Can't really get a good idea what the Mocha Crunch is like and then you add some Raspberry Swirl on top and the flavors blend.

I read about Wicca - it seems to be the dominant flavor available. But I don't know if it's my flavor. Maybe I'm something else. But what? I have a friend who's Pagan. Has been since forever. She knows all these Paths and what they're about and everything and it all gets so confusing.

So I'm a generic unknown Pagan right now. Living with a devoutly Christian Mom. And I love my Mom very much and I know that she's accepting of other faiths...but I think it will be different when the other faith is her own flesh and blood.

I read about these people who've stepped out and are living their beliefs openly and I wish it were me. I'd love to go to a ritual without being afraid my Mom would find out. And it's not even that I think she'll cast me out or anything. It's that I know she will be wounded within her soul. She'll feel she failed. She likely won't even say much to me. But I'll know because we share so much. I'll feel like I failed somehow. I already feel that way to an extent.

And I haven't got to the point where I can separate myself from that sense of failure enough to do what I want.

So my whispers in the dark are really quiet. I don't know when I'll step out of my closet - it's quite safe in here. If somewhat stuffy.

Comments for closeted? Email us.

   

Make one home for yourself, my daughter. One actual home...and another spiritual home, which thou art to carry with thee always. ~ Catherine of Sienna.

Whispers in the Dark: Caught in the Shadows

   By Frigga's Weft

I don't live in the closet like many Pagans. It's a combination of things, and I don't know if it would be different had I grown up here in the States. I know it would certainly be easier. But having spent most of my life in a country that didn't care what faith I was, my default state when coming here was certainly not to be closeted. And as a single woman, initially that wasn't an issue.

But times change. I married (a non-religious, vaguely secular Pagan leaning man), then we had kids, and over time being uncloseted became less appealing. People discriminate based on faith. And while that's not an issue when it's just me it becomes problematic when it invoves my kids. My precious, fragile yet ever so strong and resiliant daughters. Like many others I've heard the comments and experienced the cold shoulder. But it's so different when it's happening to this little person. When it's her that gets hurt and can't understand why someone's being so mean. I want to grab her and draw her back into the concealing shadows where noone can see her thoughts.

I know we need to let our children stand on their own feet and learn to deal with relationship ups and downs. But I can't quite believe that the level of discrimination sometimes displayed should be a part of that - at least not when they are still only 4 and 5. So I find myself considering closeting the family - it's not too late...they're still young enough. But the thought of doing so - of living that lie - sickens me. Why should we have to resort to that when it's 'them' who are doing wrong? And what lesson does it teach my girls?

And added to this mix is my growing agoraphobia. I don't think it's actually agoraphobia - I'm fine with open spaces. It's the people. The crowds. My home town had 100 people on a good day and now I'm living in the middle of Orange County with millions of people around me. I feel their eyes weighing me down. Their breath seems to steal all the oxygen. And the noise. Always there is someone speaking and often it's mindless 'fill the silence' speech. But whatever it is, it's leaving me physically closeted more and more - and thus my children - making the choice to be uncloseted almost a moot point. I can be as open about my beliefs as I want if I never leave the house! Not really an issue and that makes it more of an issue since everywhere my kids go they are confronted with the dominant faith of this area. Which makes it more important that I am open and honest to counter both that external impression of what is 'right' and the unspoken sense at home that I am ashamed? afraid? of my beliefs.

This upcoming Winter's Night will be a trying one for me. We are considering moving home to Australia, in part to try and heal my inability to go outside and in part to raise our kids within their extended family. I am struggling with the expression of my faith and my husband is seeking a closer relationship with his spirituality - which is partially hindered by my growing inability to be open with my beliefs. My children are starting to explore having different ideas to us and that includes in the arena of religion. And I feel very disconnected from my roots. My ancestral kin.

I want to leave the shadows and stand proud in the light of both sun and moon once more. And finding the strength to do so is so hard.

Comments for Frigga's Weft? Email us.
   

The Pagan Heart retains all appropriate copyright and ownership over web page design and content except where otherwise credited. Concerning all work published within this magazine, unless otherwise indicated through a credit or link to the original work, all images and text are provided by, and the property of, the person submitting the article. Any artwork, photography, poetry, spells, rituals, stories, articles, or other written work displayed in this magazine remains the property of the owner of said work, and all copyrights are to be unheld. Beyond that, this magazine does not lay claim of ownership to any work not created by the magazine, and does not support plagarism or theft. Should you find your work in this magazine incorrectly credited, please contact the Web Designer with details so it can be rectified immediately.

Are you interested in submitting letters or articles to The Pagan Heart? If so, please read the Submissions Guidelines. They offer details on deadlines and the relevant staff to contact. Our Editorial staff are also happy to answer questions.

Are you interested in Banner Exchange or advertising through our Pagan Mall? Please contact the Web Designer.

If you have a general question, please contact the Editor in Chief.