Screaming in the Dark

   By Rhiannon NosTylluan

Acrimonious.

This is the perfect word to describe my emotional state over the past year while dealing with unexplained chronic illness. I've been sucked into moments of despair, loneliness and anger, and now I find myself struggling to find a way out. This is extremely hard to do when I find myself having to accept something for what is it - without an official diagnosis, or something I can see on a piece of paper that says definitively "this is what's wrong with you." Blind faith isn't easy - no matter what spiritual path one follows.

For the past year I - and my family - have struggled with my health. I have increasing nerve pain, muscle pain, limb weakness, cognitive problems, visual disturbances, even some odd partial paralysis type issues in my face. Most days are pretty good (within my new "normal" parameters), but when I have flare and every thing hits all at once, it's a most horrific feeling that I wouldn't wish upon an enemy.

Imagine you were hit by two eighteen-wheeler trucks and then they back up to run over you again - I feel like that all day most days - I work through with the help of medication that takes the edge off. My muscles don't work, my legs get stuck and I can't stand up from sitting many times without getting stuck midway. My nerves are on fire all the time. It's like my skin is on fire just under my skin. I am constantly being stabbed by sharp nails and needles. I feel like my bones and joints are being squeezed to a pulp. I get tingly sensations all over and I get partial paralysis in my face. I can't drive long distances anymore. My hands don't work as well - my fine motor skills aren't great anymore. They are extremely stiff and it's difficult to button buttons, write, type etc. As for my mind... I can't remember the names of things. I can't choose the right word I want when speaking to someone. I transpose letters, numbers and words when speaking and writing/typing. I can't remember a lot of things... short-term memory is shot (I now have an organizer I keep with me at all times). I have been 4 blocks away from my home on my street and not remembered how to get home. I get periods of time that are kinda "gone". My fatigue isn't just being tired... it's incapaciting... we're talking on the bed or couch not able to move at all. Getting to the bathroom means crawling. Depression, panic attacks and anxiety are all par for the course as well. Not to mention the random nausea and vomiting. Fortunately, I have been evaluated by a psychiatrist and I am not depressed. The unfortunate part of that is that my current "diagnosis" is extremely misunderstood, even by medical professionals. Getting proper care and treatment takes extreme personal responibility and action, difficult to do when one is feeling so poorly.

I've been given a working "diagnosis" (which in my charts is more of a suggestion than a diagnosis) of Fibromyalgia along with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Lurking in the shadows remains the possibility of Multiple Sclerosis or even Lupus I've had eight... no make that nine MRIs now. None of them show anything remarkable. I hope on some level an MRI shows something different at this point, something that can show what is wrong with me. To prove that this is something real.

I don't care for roller coasters. This past year has been a ride of emotions that have been difficult to process. My primal instinct all my life has been to fight things. "Take the easier road." they say. Or, "You know, this would be much easier if you didn't fight it so much." To that I say "BITE ME!: Intellectually I know these things, I'm a bright person. That's what makes my path so much more difficult, I continue to fight it. Perhaps it's a thought somewhere deep inside me that if I fight it will go away. To some extent that make sense, the will to live life to the fullest or move on. However, I am learning that sometimes letting go and giving up the fight does not mean giving in.

I've prayed, I have cried. I have laughed hysterically and I have screamed in anger. Why are the gods doing this to me! It's not fucking fair! Finally, I am quiet and learning to listen to the voices in the wind once again...

I have been working with Crow medicine over the past year. Crow is a messenger, recognizing danger when it appears. It also signifies the ability to move smoothely between the known and unknown. This spring I found myself in the middle of about 10-15 crows that were raising a ruckus. Flying about, jumping up and down on the ground, and then flying up into trees. About a minute later, no more that 3-feet in front of me two huge peregrin falcons swoop down trying to grab the crows with their talons. Peregrine falcons signify a need for one to gaurd their health when they come into your life - especially illness from environmental pollutants. Peregine falcon teaches us to bend like a blade of grass in the wind and to move in harmony with our own rythms.

This past September while in the midst of struggling with a difficult flare I had another odd experience with Crow and Falcon. While driving my older child home from school (which is 4 blocks north on our street) we saw a Peregrine facon standing on the rood of a parked car. We stopped the car directly across from it and the bird looked at us directly. We were like that for about a minute and then out of nowhere a huge crow attatcked the falcon which then flew off.

These six weeks since then have been quite difficult for me - emotionally. I've finally realized that Crow and Falcon are working together on this one to show me what I need to do. I need to learn to just "Be". I need travel gracefully from the life that I know and adapt to the new one that is unfamiliar and scary to me. I am struggling to find the courage, like falcon, to strike fast and hard when neccesary; remembering that between those times I need to move through my dis-ease, accepting it and not fight it. I am trying to understand my situation and grow stronger from it - it's not easy. Not fighting it doesn't mean that I have given up hope. It means that I am allowing myself to feel angry, terrified, sad and mournful; leaving those emotions behind me I am able to start climbing out of that hole of despair and bitterness I have created. It means that as each new day passes, a little bit of that other door inches open, offering a glimpse of the new opportunities that await on the other side. It means that someday soon I will have the fortitude to walk up to that door and open it all the way.

A Druid strives to be honest most importantly with themselves - completely honest. It's very hard to face yourself when you have become someone you don't recognize. As Daven stated, "Courage for the Druid does not always wear a public face; it is standing-strong-in-the-face-of-adversity, alone or with companions. Sometimes Courage is getting up and going about a daily routine when pain has worn one down without complaint or demur." These are my goals for the next six weeks. These won't be easy for me. My health has been my focus for a year now. I don't feel I have the courage or strength anymore to face myself, my situation. Intellectually I know I have it, I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up.

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." Like Dorothy Thompson, I truly do believe that somewhere under the painful layers of sadness and sorrow, life truly is beautiful.

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